This morning passion:
ever seen. He hops
in the branches above
while I drink coffee
his still bald head
and the way it looks
like he is rehearsing
for when he is grown
as he pecks at only
the smallest branches
cracks my heart wide
I maneuver through the world, for the most part, heart cracked wide.
Except when I don’t.
Except when I tighten my heart like a fist ready to lash out, or to hold close, too close, when I feel like to walk around wide open for another second will cost too much; be the undoing of me. This me.
But this feeling is just this: a feeling based on thinking, on thinking based in fear, and it will pass. Everything does. Always.
I have learned, for the most part, that wide open is never too much; that a clenched heart costs much more, despite what others tend to argue. That cliché about it being better to have loved and lost as opposed to never loving is only partially true. Having loved (or love) you can never really lose. Really. Better to love always. Always love better. Unless that is, you attach yourself to all the specifics. This. Just this. So temporary. All of it.
The Tarot card I pulled yesterday said “Let Go”. Of course it did. This of all lessons I am always struggling with.
Impermanence is my stone to cast, and yet I would rather hold tight and let it drag me to the bottom of the sea.
For this there can be no surprise: that I have landed in a classroom in a smallish school with children to love. No surprise that I have landed in a classroom in a smallish school with children to love that will flow in and out of my life at a constant rate. To remind me to enjoy the moments. To teach me to allow love. To help me let go of those that pass.
This is my practice: To be present in love, allowing of love, and un-attached to love.
The tide comes in: I hold you in love. The tide flows out: I let you go in love. As my heart cracks wider creating more and more space.